Your anguish is a force, a separate soul that cries out for solace and remedy. A thousand words of comfort rise from the ache in my throat, but they cannot restore the beloved person who abandoned you. Into this void, my voice may drop like a stone.
It hurts to see you cry, face in your hands, unable to sleep, eat, or even feel real. Dizzy from the shock of sudden desertion, each second refuses to pass, remains incomplete. Your injured heart has lost its rhythm and your movements seem leaden, as if masses of melted tar are dragging your arms down every time you lift a glass.
While your body slows to glacial time, the brain accelerates as it struggles to comprehend this alien reality that cannot be happening but is happening anyway. Like a never-ending game of tether ball, your thoughts spin faster and faster into smaller and tighter circles, shackled by panic to the iron fact of loss.
If I had the power to heal you, I would gather the softest banana leaves in creation and soak them thoroughly in shea butter. Then I’d wrap them round your head to cool and cradle your brain, drawing out the poison of self-punishing thoughts, soothing the pain, and smoothing the wrinkled loops of endless tormenting questions.
For your heart-wounds, I offer a poultice composed of clay, feathers, and ferns to press against your chest as if in prayer. The heart-poultice cannot mend the cracks, but it honors them with love. When the minerals and soft coverings touch your skin, they ease the hurt, giving you precious minutes of relief.
And for your whole body, a pool has been sunk into the cursèd room that most haunts you with memories. The pool is not very wide — the width of three ordinary bathtubs — but it is fathoms deep. The sides and bottom of the pool are made of peat-black marble, turning the water so dark that it gathers you into oblivion. When you sink into this personal well, the only things you experience are the present sensations of cool healing water, your steady breath, and the kind red beating of your heart.
(Thank you Sean McDermott for making the recording! For a physical or digital copy of Visualizations for Heartbreak, please contact Catherine Raine at cafrinie@yahoo.ca).
Recorded by Sean McDermott at Offaly Road Studios, 2022. Read by the author.
Once the reality of betrayal shatters the numbness, your rage awakens molten creativity and revives the blacksmiths and glassblowers of old. Your curses blast the forge and explode in the fire, where they transform into a glowing orb with fierce swirls of crimson, orange, and yellow.
The fiery globe is too hot for human hands to touch, and curious viewers must back away from its dangerous fragility. But when the orb cools, when it settles into itself, thousands will flock to this glass masterpiece, magnetized by its primal beauty.
The rage orb electrifies viewers and powerfully connects them to the anger of our hurting world, for this beautiful object has been forged and burned and spun from the rawest materials on earth: the fury of the wronged and the anguish of the betrayed.
When the orb is tilted at different angles, flashes of violence appear, open wounds that seethe beneath the fragments of a shattered heart. Critics may find your art disturbing or claim it contains glints and flints of revenge, but I say, “No, not traditional revenge or actual violence. Only the satisfaction that comes from refusing to bury pain inside. It takes courage to harness anger’s explosive energy and hurl it into a new form, sowing seeds of fire into grief’s deep furrows.”
Although the orb’s creation has not exorcised anger for good, it has given you some peace. Its presence is a testament to the value of authentic feelings, no matter how uncomfortable, sharp, or bitter. As you navigate this strange land of loss, you bring rage with you, for it is a righteous guide that divines underground springs of truth.
(Thank you Sean McDermott for making the recording! For a physical or digital copy of Visualizations for Heartbreak, please contact Catherine Raine at cafrinie@yahoo.ca).
Painted canvas purchased at Value Village, December 2021
Last December I bought a painted wooden canvas that an anonymous person had donated to Value Village. After studying it, I decided to follow some of the patterns of the paint swirls, adding tissue paper, thread, dots of acrylic paint, and handmade papers to the canvas.
Colourfish Swimming, 2022
For example, the dark purple shape in the top left quadrant of the substrate suggested the eye of an aquatic creature swimming among waving pink fronds and flowery fragments. Black thread made the imagined form of the creature, now called Colourfish, more discernible.
Detail from Colourfish Swimming, 2022
To the artist who gave their canvas to Value Village, thank you very much for your generosity! If you had never lavished the board with violet, lavender, pink, green, and apricot paint, the Colourfish would have been deprived of the habitat most suited to its playful temperament.
I bought Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm’s The Druid Animal Oracle Deck in 2008 in hopes of developing collage workshops based on animal teachings. My friend Ellen Jaffe, a poet and teacher, found the idea interesting, so we gave the deck a trial run at a yoga studio, each of us selecting a card at random without looking at the illustrated side. I chose Wolf.
After Ellen made her selection, we took turns reading from an interpretive booklet provided with the deck. From the section on Wolf, I learned that its keywords are “Intuition, Learning, (and) The Shadow” and that Wolf encourages us to honour “the inner power and strength you feel when you spend time alone” (p. 22).
Following a discussion of the teachings, I pulled out a folder of images that I had collected for the animals contained in the deck. Each animal had its own transparent sleeve full of pictures, and from Wolf’s sleeve I selected a few photos for my collage.
Forest Wolves, Catherine Raine 2010
Having enjoyed our artistic experiment with The Druid Animal Oracle Deck in 2010, Ellen and I decided to offer a workshop called “Collage Your Animal Spirit Guide” at a music therapy facility in 2011. The session took place in Hamilton, Ontario and opened with all six participants selecting a random card. After reading aloud from the booklet about the selected animals, everyone received a set of pictures on which to base a collage in addition to backings, scissors, and a glue stick.
As we settled into our work one by one, minds humming in collective concentration, a silence like a seventh presence filled the room. After an hour of tearing, cutting, shaping, and gluing, we shared our artwork, celebrating each piece in turn.
Otter was my personal animal guide that day in Hamilton. According to Carr-Gomm’s explanatory booklet, Otter “invites us to play, to ‘go with the flow’ of life and experience — to become a child again” (p. 32).
Flower Hatted Otters, Catherine Raine 2011
To suggest flow and movement, I included swirling fish and active grasses. For playfulness, I gave the otters and their fish friend some red flower hats.
Flower Hatted Otters, Catherine Raine 2011
In addition to art sponsored by Wolf and Otter, seven other collages have been inspired by engagement with the Druid Animal Oracle Deck. After a gap of two years, I retrieved the deck when my mother was visiting me in Toronto. This time, Eagle rose up from the pool of cards laid out on my kitchen table. (Mom selected Hawk).
“Intelligence, Renewal, (and) Courage” are Eagle’s key words, and the booklet further asserts that Eagle “will . . . show you how to renew and rejuvenate yourself, by demonstrating the art of plunging — at the just the right moment — into the lake of the heart” (p. 24).
The Knitted Eagle, Catherine Raine 2013
My eagle collage depicts a rare species of knitted raptor, a bird who is at home in the water as well as the sky. Much less predatory than its non-textile cousins, the knitted eagle enjoys a quiet life of introspection.
Several months after Mom’s visit, my friend Noreia and I consulted the animal spirit guides and made collages in a North York food court. This time, the card I picked belonged to Raven.
Raven represents “Healing, Initiation, (and) Protection,” and its message “may . . . mean that we can come to a resolution of the opposites — experiencing that in darkness there is light, and in light darkness” (p. 20).
Ravens Three, Catherine Raine 2013
In my collage, three ravens consider life among the swirling patterns, discerning mysteries with their keen eyes.
Ravens Three, Catherine Raine 2013
A subsequent session with Noreia saw us spreading out collage materials and the deck on a large wooden table at Balzac’s Coffee Roasters. I chose Frog, whose key words are “Sensitivity, Medicine, and Hidden Beauty and Power” and who reminds us to “look for the beauty and the magic behind appearances” (p. 19).
Carr-Gomm’s booklet also states that Frog is “a companion of the rain spirits” who can “help you develop your sensitivity to others, to healing and to sound through your skin and your whole body” (p. 19).
Frogs’ Mosaic Green Room, Catherine Raine 2013 Frogs’ Mosaic Green Room, Catherine Raine 2013
Goose followed Frog as the next creature-collage inspired by The Druid Animal Oracle Deck. At Noreia’s suggestion, we auditioned a different wooden table at a new coffee shop for the session, and it proved to be a goose-friendly venue.
When I turned to the booklet’s page about Goose, I discovered that its main attributes are “Vigilance, Parenthood, (and) Productive Power” (p. 27). Additionally, Goose’s talent for attentive parenthood and soaring flight “shows us that it is possible to be both grounded and spiritual in our daily lives” (p. 27).
Geese Like Pink, Catherine Raine 2014
After Goose, Seal surfaced as the next animal spirit mentor during an oracle session that Noreia and I conducted at a home retreat.
Cat followed Seal to serve as a guide in the series, and Carr-Gomm’s booklet explains that “Cat brings us the ability to observe situations quietly, without judgment, before making decisions” (p. 17).
For Flying Flower Cat, a calm and grounded mind provides the ideal springboard for flight.
Flying Flower Cat, Catherine Raine 2014
Finally, Salmon has been the most recent educator chosen from the deck, but other animals patiently wait for their turn to advise. As for the nine creatures who arrived from 2010 to 2016, I’d like to express my gratitude to Wolf, Otter, Eagle, Raven, Frog, Goose, Seal, Cat, and Salmon for their energizing insights and creativity!
2022 Update
Salmon’s collage is dedicated to the memory of Ellen S. Jaffe, who loved consulting The Druid Animal Oracle Deck and making art in community.
As the oracle deck’s booklet relates, Salmon responds to upstream challenges with “wisdom and inspiration” (p. 30), and Ellen exemplified this spirit when she wrote poems about living with (but not being defined by) cancer. Like Salmon, she created an arc of beauty in adversity: turning to the sanctuary of art, reciting poems in her head during scans and treatments, and imagining the counsel of her late father, a doctor.
Seized by Loss, Catherine Raine 2016
Ellen died the day after her 77th birthday, cocooned in a cycle of return to her “beginnings . . . and perhaps beyond” (p. 30). While she was here with us, Ellen inspired, encouraged, and connected hearts with her poetry, activism, counseling, teaching, mothering, and friendship. For example, after hearing news of my grandmother’s death in 2008, Ellen introduced me to the phrase, “May her memory be a blessing,” explaining that it is a Jewish prayer to comfort the family of the deceased. Her compassionate words consoled me then and return to me now with a message of solace.
Ellen’s example shows what it means to live a life that blesses others, and in her legacy “lives the dearest freshness deep down things” (G. Hopkins’ God’s Grandeur, 1877) that soften the pain of loss. Ellen, thank you for being my friend and mentor. Your memory blesses, has blessed, and will bless us for generations.
Many Ways to Be, Catherine Raine 2021 (This piece emerged from a Journey Dance of Manifestation and Vision Board event that I co-facilitated with Sheilagh McGlynn in January).
Detail from Many Ways to Be, Catherine Raine 2021
Detail from Many Ways to Be, Catherine Raine 2021
Detail from Many Ways to Be, Catherine Raine 2021
May Love Be Yours, Catherine Raine 2021 (I made this giant Valentine as a sample for Valentine’s Day collage workshop for international students).
Detail from May Love Be Yours, Catherine Raine 2021
Detail from May Love Be Yours, Catherine Raine 2021
Not long before Pat died, he sent a card thanking me for a Christmas gift. The medication that he was taking caused his hands to shake, and it touched me that he still made time to write despite the difficulty. When composing Cousin Pat’s Letter, it seemed right that the piece should include an example of his handwriting, symbol of both his uniqueness and his suffering.
Detail from Cousin Pat’s Letter, Catherine Raine 2020
Detail from Cousin Pat’s Letter, Catherine Raine 2020
Many years ago, Pat collected antique glass bottles, so I fashioned a bottle shape from some handmade paper to provide a stem for his collage’s flower. Fragments of the thank-you letter became the petals.
Detail from Cousin Pat’s Letter, Catherine Raine 2020
In addition to glass-collecting, Pat enjoyed writing haiku. From 2002 to 2003, he composed almost two hundred three-line poems about cars, artists, coins, baseball, rock bands, and the antics of animals he observed from his window.
Born in Missouri, Words and Phrases from Haikus by Patrick Jones and Arranged by Catherine Raine, 2020
In the months after his death, I read all of the poems, and a number of words and phrases struck me as characteristic of Pat. Eventually, the gleaned words suggested themselves as a new poem, and I hope Pat would approve of how I arranged his lines to make this collaborative text. Like the memorial collage pictured above, Born in Missouri is devoted to remembering my cousin’s interests, creativity, and sense of humor. He died much too soon.
To create this effect, I repeatedly placed an ink-loaded paintbrush at various points at the top of the canvas. Then I tilted the canvas upright to allow the rivulets of ink to create their own pathways on the way down. After the vertical lines dried, I turned the canvas and repeated the process in order to create the intersecting horizontal lines.
I liked how the ink lines had made folksy quilt-like boxes, so I added colored papers to highlight the patchwork shapes.
Ink Drip Patchwork, Catherine Raine 2019
The spontaneous blending of the streams of ink as they met each other motivated me to select transparent papers for the collage. Not wanting to cover the ink tracks, I chose papers that would show off and interact with the colors resting underneath them.
Detail from Ink Drip Patchwork, Catherine Raine 2019
Detail from Ink Drip Patchwork, Catherine Raine 2019
Detail from Ink Drip Patchwork, Catherine Raine 2019
Detail from Ink Drip Patchwork, Catherine Raine 2019
I hope you enjoyed Ink Drip Patchwork! I highly recommend trying this fun art process.
Bookmark and Forest Paper Doll, Catherine Raine 2017Layers of Orange Bookmark, Catherine Raine 2017Three Hatted Birds, Catherine Raine 2017Detail from Three Hatted Birds, Catherine Raine 2017Detail from Three Hatted Birds, Catherine Raine 2017Detail from Three Hatted Birds, Catherine Raine 2017Detail from Three Hatted Birds, Catherine Raine 2017
Dancing Paper Figure for G, Catherine Raine 2017Memorial Candle for Dad, Catherine Raine 2017Algonquin Park Dream, Catherine Raine 2017Embodied Road Trip, Catherine Raine 2017Shadows of Two Thistles, Catherine Raine 2017Detail from Shadows of Two Thistles, Catherine Raine 2017Be, Catherine Raine 2018Be, Catherine Raine 2018Space Flapper, Catherine Raine 2018Detail from Space Flapper, Catherine Raine 2018Subway Returns to Nature, Catherine Raine 2018Evolution of a Resting Silence, Catherine Raine 2018Detail from Evolution of a Resting Silence, Catherine Raine 20181984 Journal, Catherine Raine, 2019Detail from 1984 Journal, Catherine Raine 2019Fire Cactus, Catherine Raine 2019The Fox and Her World, Catherine Raine 2019Katie’s Spring Flower Show, Catherine Raine 2019
Daydream in Green, Catherine Raine 2019
Detail from Daydream in Green, Catherine Raine 2019
Detail from Daydream in Green, Catherine Raine 2019
Memory of a River Walk, Catherine Raine 2019
Detail from Memory of a River Walk, Catherine Raine 2019
Detail from Pensive Swan, Catherine Raine 2019
The Mud Peaches Caper, Catherine Raine 2019
Shoe Celebration, Catherine Raine 2019
Detail from an Abstract Bookmark, Catherine Raine 2019
Emma’s Jellyfish Yee, Catherine Raine 2019
Detail from Emma’s Jellyfish Yee, Catherine Raine 2019
Detail from Emma’s Jellyfish Yee, Catherine Raine 2019
Difficult Conversation, Catherine Raine 2020
Detail from Difficult Conversation, Catherine Raine 2020
Detail from Difficult Conversation, Catherine Raine 2020
Seek Fire in the Depths, Catherine Raine 2020
Detail from Seek Fire in the Depths, Catherine Raine 2020
Night Cap Birthday Collage, Catherine Raine 2020
Night Cap Birthday Collage, Catherine Raine 2020
Birthday Florals in Blue, Catherine Raine 2020
Wavy Sea Flowers, Catherine Raine 2020
Constellation of Objects, Catherine Raine 2020
Owl Considers Custard Cream Biscuit at Tea-Time, Catherine Raine 2020
Detail from Owl Considers Custard Cream Biscuit at Tea-Time, Catherine Raine 2020
Detail from Owl Considers Custard Cream Biscuit at Tea-Time, Catherine Raine 2020
Lady Slipper Mosaic, Catherine Raine 2020
Detail from Lady Slipper Mosaic, Catherine Raine 2020
Detail from Lady Slipper Mosaic, Catherine Raine 2020
A mosaic of stones, coins, and jewellery had been growing in our front garden box since May, but it wasn’t until late August that the idea for a heart border took root. Heart-shattered by the hatred in Charlottesville that led to the death of Heather Heyer on August 12th, gathering these shards and bits of ephemera into a positive shape helped raise my spirits. A couple of weeks after the August mosaic-shaping, I was in the process of adding more buttons and beads when my neighbour and her four young daughters came over to look at the garden heart.
Hoping that mosaic-embellishment might be entertaining for the children, I entrusted them with my box of decorations and went to fetch some glue. I was very grateful for the girls’ collaboration, for thanks to their sowing of beads, bedazzling of flowers, and gluing of googly eyes, the heart mosaic became more alive. Before taking off for a dinner engagement that evening, I went back inside the house to gather more supplies and offered them to the girls for their own outdoor art. By the time I returned from the outing, a box of soil containing the gorgeous composition below was sitting on my neighbor’s lawn.
The following morning, a Saturday, the outdoor mosaic theme continued to evolve with the same box showcasing a new arrangement and the words Peace and Love.
Peace and Love
The children’s artwork affected me deeply, and I found myself wishing its creative faith could dissolve destructive ideologies once and for all. What if a box of dirt, flowers, and love could reach people like the 45th president who lean dangerously towards fascism? No matter their current spiritual condition, a Peace and Love Art Box could remind them that once, long ago, they might have lovingly spelled God’s name on a leaf with glue or promoted peace with pebbles, paper flowers, and pennies.
What stops humanity from planting love instead of hate when heroes like Martin Luther King Jr., James Chaney, Michael Schwerner, Andrew Goodman, Medgar Evers, and Heather Heyer paid for Love’s truth with their lives?
Shipwrecks Tilting on the Ice, Catherine Raine 2015
In this collage series inspired by sea and river voyages, shipwrecks tilt on the ice, abstract shapes go swimming, and an arctic hare chews on a twig. Meanwhile, a famous Norwegian explorer inhabits a turnip-shaped kayak, and a tapir chooses a canoe for his journey downstream.
Shipwrecks Tilting on the Ice, Catherine Raine 2015
From the depths of keepsake piles in my mother’s house emerged a Father’s Day card and a birthday gift that I made in the 1970’s. The inside of the Father’s Day card contained a car and some of my thoughts.
Dear dad, I know that your are going to have a happy Father’s day because me and Joe well I don’t know about Joe but I am going to give you a break and be good for once. Love, Catherine
The Father’s Day message became the centerpiece for a recent collage in his honor.
Dear Dad, Catherine Raine 2015
Dear Dad, Catherine Raine 2015
Dear Dad, Catherine Raine 2015
The second piece of 1970’s ephemera was a birthday gift for my dad. It was a hand-taped envelope made from lined notebook paper that contained watches that I’d cut out from magazines. (The coffee stain is original).The long-ago selected watch photos and text from the card inspired a second collage for my father.
I Couldn’t Afford the Real Thing, Catherine Raine 2015
I Couldn’t Afford the Real Thing, Catherine Raine 2015
I Couldn’t Afford the Real Thing, Catherine Raine 2015
I Couldn’t Afford the Real Thing, Catherine Raine 2015
I Couldn’t Afford the Real Thing, Catherine Raine 2015
Dad, thank you for keeping the cards that I made for you so many years ago. And thank you most of all for being such a fun, supportive, and loving father. I miss you!